A letter to My Husband -

MilkDud,

Of the hundreds of letters I've written you, this will easily be the most difficult. Where do I find the words to express what I'm thinking and feeling? I know that right about now you would tell me, "Don't worry about finding the right words, Pixie, just speak." But how can I "just speak" when you deserve so much more than just words?

Let me begin by saying thank you. Thank you for your heroic sacrifice. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for helping me to grow closer to Christ, and through that relationship, to grow closer to you. Thank you for always knowing exactly what to say or do to make the hard times just a little easier. Thank you for always being so selfless. Thank you for every dance we shared, every song we sang, every quiet night we spent together. Thank you for every laugh and every tear because they have all shaped me. Thank you for always pushing me when I didn't have the courage to push myself. Thank you for never losing faith in us, even when it seemed the fairy tale had ended. Thank you for simply being you – bright smile, infectious laugh, contagious personality. Thank you for staying up all night on the phone with me, even when you had to work early in the morning just because I had bad dreams. Thank you for standing by my side when I had to make the hardest decisions of my life. Thank you for letting me sleep through movie nights and not complaining. Thank you for always knowing how to surprise me and always keeping me guessing. Thank you for teaching me that there's no bad day that a few minutes spent dancing to Michael Jackson can't make better. Thank you for the profound impact you had on every life you touched. Thank you for being my MilkDud.

I don't want you to worry about me. I want you to rest peacefully in the arms of our loving Savior. I know you were tired and weary from fighting, but you don't have to be tired anymore. Just know that as you rest in heaven, I'll be here missing you and loving you every single day. The same way you get to rest at the Master's feet, I get to rest in the loving embrace of the Holy Spirit. It is in that embrace that I will somehow find the strength to continue on until I can meet you again in heaven. Just know that right after our Savior, you're the first person I want to see.

I still have every single letter that you sent me. I've saved just about every conversation we ever had online and every single email. I play your old voicemails over and over again when I miss your voice. And any time I feel alone, I surround myself with pictures of you flashing that big smile that I fell in love with so many years ago. I want you to know that I will never forget.

There are so many things I still want to tell you, and so many things I can't imagine myself doing without you by my side. I've never really pictured my future without you in it. And I'm not sure that I have the strength to even begin now. So, for now I will take it minute by minute, and maybe someday, I will be able to take it day by day. Until then, I will remember your constant admonitions to be strong no matter how much I may just want to turn away and give up. Thank you for teaching me to delight in my weaknesses and reminding me that it is in my weakness that God's power is made perfect.

I hope that these words are enough for now. I've never said good-bye to you before, and I certainly do not plan to start now. So, knowing that you have fought a good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith, I will end this letter the same way we have ended every letter to each other for the past 8 years.

Always & Forever,

Pixie

Stacia Harris, Spouse